hey hey hey

guess what i said today? you will never guess, so i will tell you.

i said, "thank you for letting me be here, now."

can you believe that?

maybe you don't realize what a big deal this is. maybe you don't know me personally, or you haven't been reading this blog for very long. it is a big, big deal.

the title of this blog is "the rampant idealist," which generally refers to the headstrong nature of my intrinsic optimism. sometimes i embrace this attribute and sometimes it drives me crazy. lately, it has been driving me crazy, because few circumstances in the present state of my life warrant any optimism. i suppose most of the optimism is due to my long-held belief in God, and his promise to continue the good work he begins in his children at the onset of their relationship. there is also, in the title and in my optimism, an aspect of amusement that cynical people inspire in me. i have been depressed, and angry, and hopeless, but there seems to me something quite ridiculous about habitually assuming the worst about life. as often as life blindsides you with misfortune, it surprises you with unmerited and unexpected blessing. edward murphy is quite as unrealistic as pollyanna whittier. so much of what you experience in life depends on what you're looking for.

but taken apart, the "idealist" in the title also refers to my chronic wishful thinking, and "rampant" refers to my wanderlust. there's a hole in my heart, and i'm still figuring out the shape of it; some things fit it better than others, but i've never found the perfect fit, no matter where i go. no matter how happy i am somewhere, within a little time i usually find myself wishing to be somewhere else.

at present, i am in a place that i once devoutly wished never to return to, at least not for any length of time. this place is emotional and spiritual, as well as physical. ...although, having writ that, i suppose i never quite left it in spirit. and that is probably the reason why i'm here again. you have to do the things that you fear the most--this is a moral imperative, in the spirit of eleanor roosevelt, and it is also a law of nature, at least in my experience.

anyway, i just wanted to let you know that today, in the unlikeliest and least logical of places, i thanked God for being where i presently am. let us build a monument and call it קהוי סוף סוף , which in the hebrew means "'it's about time, moron."