it is late here, almost 2008; that usually makes me sentimental. but i am awake and sitting up praying for some things, and i thought of you and wanted to write to you. i wanted to write to you, but what i wanted to say, i'm not sure.
now i feel stupid. why would i want to write when i don't know that i have anything to say?
...
i think this is why:
it's too easy to restrain an emotion until there's some excuse for it, like a birthday, or couched as a specific message..."the Lord put this on my heart to tell you." but i don't have anything right now that i think you need to hear.
relationships are hard over long distances because they have to be maintained with words. sometimes there's only an overwhelm of feeling that can't be excused or expressed. it's this that makes me want to write to you without any words in mind.
hearing someone say "i love you" can be embarrassing when there's no particular reason for them to say it. but if they catch your eye, and smile, if your gazes meet unexpectedly, if you suddenly feel their eyes on you while you're chopping onions or mingling at a party...doesn't it kind of rumble through you like an express train? don't you wonder why no one else seems to feel the earthquake in the floor?
knowing someone is thinking of you for a minute, for no reason, is the surest sign of love that i've ever had.
so, i guess, this is just a note to say, hi--i was thinking of you.
(first published 12.31.08, 11.48pm)
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