effusion

there is here kind of a lot for you to dig, today.

today represents several months--at least since last summer, when things began to change. when things began to take an organic shape independent of my plans. kind of like taking a ruined espalier off a tree and letting it do its thing. the tree might not be straight or symmetrical but it gets a gnarly shape that sets it apart from all the others.

what brings me to this fever pitch of excitement is two things. one is that i've started writing in a semi-official capacity for my place of business. you can find the link to it here, if you want to have a look.

well, really what makes me excited is that a coworker saw me typing away at the company blog and blurted, "you're a great writer." nobody told her to say that. i didn't even know she was reading it. she's not one of my teachers or one of my parents.

i said the worst possible thing in response--"no. really?" i sounded like i was fishing for more compliments. but i was really stunned to hear her say it. it was almost like hearing a guy say "i love you."

which brings me to my second reason for excitement.

...no, no. no.

what happened was that last night i had this dream wherein i was set upon by a couple of demons in the form of rabid animals, one on either side of my bed. in my dream i was watching myself over my bed. they bit my neck and my foot, and it really hurt, and in my dream i thought, "these are demons and i have to rebuke them in the name of Jesus." this is not something i think about often, or ever. i rebuked them and they let go, but i was really scared to stay asleep so i launched myself out of the dream, which, if you've never tried it, is a lot like swimming to the surface from very deep under water. i talked to my housemate about it and we prayed together for a little while, because i was really kind of terrified to go back to sleep. it was a strange war of skeptical reason and holy fear--i didn't want to make a big melodramatic deal of the whole thing, but i really didn't want to go back to sleep. i also didn't want to pretend i'm stronger than i am, and not ask for help.

as we prayed, i got a pretty strong sense that the dream had to do with my addictive behavior toward love.

there have been two occasions in my life--one a few years ago, one very recent--that my heart got a little broken. in both cases, the breakage was not the guy's fault at all--it was mine. neither guy asked for it, neither guy hurt me on purpose. in fact, they were both polite and respectful to an unlikely extreme, especially considering their own personal addictions.

but there's something in me that absolutely splintered over both of them, in spite of all my reasoning and efforts at good humor and good faith. i haven't figured out what that is yet. nor have i figured out why it took that terrifying dream to help me out of the most recent heartbreak. it's just that when i prayed along those lines--for release from the occupying pain of those relationships--i felt peaceful enough to go back to sleep. and when i woke up this morning, i felt clean again, for the first time since the end of last summer.

what shall we say in response to these things? if God is for us, who can be against us?

not even we can be against us.

i feel all giddy, like a second-grader on the first day of school. even in the sordidness of the last few months, there have been so many good things God has wrought--involvement with some groovy social activists, playing in the dirt with community gardeners, weird and wonderful friends emerging out of unexpected corners, small children, old people, sunsets, dances, conversations, ideas, connections. adventures, i'm saying! those are my absolute favorite, and ever since i took off the espaliers, i am not even lying, every damn day has been an adventure. not always a good one, but still--what a killer way to live. whose idea was this?

it wasn't mine. i had plans.

love resists being the object of addiction. it won't let you lean too heavily for too long--it pushes you back to stand on your own feet. it makes you use your own lungs to breathe, and your own eyes to see. what good are we when we're absorbed in someone else? people may love being worshiped, but nobody really loves the person who worships them. only God is that magnanimous. he's the only one who can afford to be. he can make us fit to receive just what we'd have always wanted if we'd known it existed.