urgent care

It's cold in here. ...What? Nothing--I wasn't really laughing. It was just...saying I'm cold seems a little unimportant.

...Right now, I don't feel very much. Maybe I'm trying to keep it that way.

I live at one-sixty-three Stater Road. Not with my family--with some friends. I'm on good terms with my family. I spend a lot of time with them. It's just better not to live there, trying to share food and stuff like that. It was the same in college--I shared an apartment with a friend, one year. We're still friends, it's just not a good thing for us to live together, we found out. Sometimes I used to eat her peanut butter. She noticed and asked me not to, but I still did it--I always thought maybe she wouldn't notice the next time. And she always did. She was really nice about it. She said, "Why don't you just buy your own?" But--I don't know--peanut butter seems like a stupid thing to buy. A whole jar. Who needs a whole jar to themselves? I don't. Just a little bit, here and there. I bought her a jar one time, to apologize. It made her mad. I don't know.

Well, currently, I'm working as a server. It's a terrible place. I'd never recommend it. I've done really good places, classy places, during college and the couple of years after. But this was the first thing I could find here. Plus it's close to my house, so it's convenient. But that's just my job at the moment. That's not what I do. I'm a filmmaker. I went to film school. Yes. I've made several short films. It's a hard field to squeeze into. If you're rich and connected, sure, you've got it in the bag. The film industry is no meritocracy, I can tell you that right now.

I'm sorry. I'm totally straying from the...from the subject.

What else do you need to know?

Yes, I know the Allans. Sorry--I can smoke, right? They're friends of my family's, from church. Probably a couple of years back. Well, probably more like four. Because Albie wasn't born yet, and Hallie...

No, I'm fine. Hallie was only about two, I think. My point is, I wasn't there when they all met. I heard about them while I was away, at college. All of a sudden it was "the Allans just left" or "Hallie said the cutest thing." Or "Tracy needs to clean up her house a little better." It took a while to realize they were all the same family. They came over for dinner after church one Sunday, I guess, and my family just adopted them. That's nice, isn't it? They'd recently moved from out of town. They didn't have any family or friends nearby. My family just took them in. My sisters started watching Hallie all the...time.

No, I'm fine. It's just...how is Tracy? Do you know? Is she here? Are my parents here? Thanks, I'm really fine. I just need to...

I guess it's lucky they had Albie last year. ...God!

Tonight? Yeah, okay. Tonight I was at my parents' house, having dinner. Unusual? I don't know. Sometimes I go over a lot, to their house, but then there are weeks where I keep my distance. It's not always any specific reason. I just feel like they're watching me, looking for something, and that they're constantly disappointed that they don't see it. When I can find a reason to not go, then I don't. It...it feels pretty good, you know? To call up and say, "Sorry, I can't come. I know you were expecting me, but..." Whatever. You know? It's like...it feels like a way to show them that I have other claims on my time. Other people think I'm valuable. But if I don't have anything going on... I don't want to stay away completely. I mean, they're my family. I want to have a good relationship. I kind of always hope that, if I keep my distance for a while, they'll be so glad to see me they'll forget what they were looking for. But to them, it's like no time has passed at all. They talk to me about things that happened in the last week like I should remember, and I have to remind them that I wasn't there.

Which is funny, because that's exactly what would happen while I was in college, you know? I'd talk to them on the phone, and they'd be like "Remember the time that...?" Whatever. And I would have to say, "No, I don't remember. I wasn't there." And they'd argue! They'd be like, "Yes, it was the night before Easter, when..." Blah blah blah. And I'd say, "Got it. That night, I was at my friend Anna's apartment making s'mores, and wondering why Giancarlo wouldn't talk to me." Well, usually I didn't tell them that part. The last part. I don't talk about guys around my family, usually. They're just funny about marriage. Everything is leading up to marriage, and if I express interest in anybody, they immediately want to know his background. And then if I don't know it, they look at me like, "Why are we having this conversation?" You know?

Yeah, I was at their house having dinner. But something came up, and I left early. No, it wasn't like that. I was upset--well, frustrated--so I decided to leave early. I was in a hurry, yeah. I'm not sure I told anyone goodbye. It occurred to me to leave, while everyone was getting up from the table and taking in the dishes, so I kind of edged over and grabbed my coat. Then I booked to the door. I heard someone calling after me as I went out to my car. I think someone must have run to the door and stood there while I was backing out. Because they were all right there when...it happened, yeah.

What? No. I'm fine, actually. Maybe it's, like, shock. Do you think? I shouldn't be fine, should I? But... I guess it's just shock.

Jesus.

I don't remember what it was about. It doesn't really matter. It could come out of anything. They just have to look at me with that sort of disappointment on their faces. It's a really quiet kind of reaction. We're just talking and someone asks a question that is, like, out of left field. I mean, I'm sure it makes perfect sense to them, but I'm usually weirded out by it. Like, I'll be talking about a funny thing that happened with a customer at work, and my mom will say, "How did your manager take it when you told her?" And I'll be like, "I didn't tell her." And she'll say, "Why not? It sounds like a big problem." I mean, my mother has never waitressed, so she has no idea. But you'd think she might respect the fact that I know something about this that she doesn't. That it doesn't necessarily follow that every problem has to be reported to a manager. I mean, I've never worked for a restaurant manager that even wanted to know about problems with customers. And when I try to explain this, she'll counter with a big argument for why I should report incidents like that, in order to get constructive feedback and show that I want to improve. In order to show leadership. And I'll just be like, "Mom! Leadership is something that corporations look for. In the food service industry, there is the captain, the...whatever, vice-captain...and then there are the slaves in the galley. That's all. There's no upward movement, except for a pecking order." And she said, "Pecking order?" She said, "Aren't we talking about the same thing?"

But you don't want all this. No, we didn't really fight. I was just sick of it and I wanted to get out. Especially because I knew the Allans were coming over for dessert. Yes, I knew that. That is, I didn't know until I got to my parents' house. If I'd known before, I probably wouldn't have come.

...But! I know what you're thinking. I don't dislike the Allans, really. I don't. They're great people, and I'm glad that they have my family, and my family has them. They really need my family to help them out--two little kids like that... Oh, God.

No, it's okay, I'm fine. I'm just trying to say that I don't dislike them at all. I mean, I don't get along great with Tracy, but I think that's just because our personalities don't mesh. She's really out there with her opinions, you know? And she kind of puts the responsibility for her emotional maintenance on everyone else. I mean, my sister has had to apologize so many times to her for misunderstandings, it juts kills me. Misunderstandings on Tracy's part, you see. Where she got offended and wouldn't bring it up but acted sort of distant, until my sister got the message and had to come crawling and apologize. I just hate that. Have you talked to my sister? Well, when you do, you'll understand. My sister is the least offensive person you could imagine. You'd have to be a sociopath not to get along with her.

But the thing is, I sort of get Tracy. And I can tell she needs my mom, my family. She probably is the type who had kids before she knew what to do with them. I think she expects everyone to take care of her and doesn't even realize it. So it's cool. And it's great that my parents can have the experience of having grandchildren, you know, when Tracy and Bryan bring the kids over. My dad loves little kids so much. It's adorable, watching him play with Hallie. The way he teases her a little and then puts her up on his shoulders, and asks her questions like she's a grown-up. I totally remember all of that from when I was a kid. That's the great thing about being the oldest. You get that one-on-one stuff. Not like I remember every minute of it, but it puts this special thing between you and your parents--you're the only one who knows what your parents are like without other kids. The only one! Think about that.

Growing up sucks, you know? Didn't somebody write a song about that? I just mean that sometimes, I used to get sort of...really...jealous. Of Hallie. Watching her and my dad. Like I'd been replaced. Which is crazy. Isn't it crazy, to be jealous of a three-year-old? Especially one as bad-behaved as her... I guess I shouldn't say that, except it's true. Not like it matters that much, now. But you know, she was really kind of a brat. I'd have these crazy thoughts, watching my dad play with her, thinking, "I was way better behaved at her age."

And then Tracy talking with my mom, and my mom listening to her go on and on about stupid problems. The guy who painted her house left a footprint on her back porch! The internet connection is so slow at her house! She hasn't found a decent hairstylist in this whole town! I mean, okay, problems--if they're stupid or not, friends listen to them. Right? Fine. But when I tell my mom about real problems--can't pay my rent type of problems, what's my direction in life problems--she just glazes over and goes "Mmm," and moves on to another topic of conversation with someone else. So...I guess I'm just explaining why I wasn't thrilled that the Allans were coming over, that night, on top of everything else.

I was really hoping to get out of the driveway before they showed up. But they had just pulled up, I guess. They were coming toward the house. It was dark. I was a little bit panicked, I didn't want to make a scene, but I also didn't want to be forced to come back inside and act like everything was fine. My mom doesn't like to show inside problems to anyone outside. I didn't want to have to sit there and act like they were part of my family. I mean, if they want to act like that, and my family wants to act like that, that's fine. Their business. But I'm not close with them, and I don't feel like pretending it's a big family togetherness night when I hardly know the Allans and I'm pissed at my own family for making me feel like an outsider.

So I was in a hurry. I just didn't see anything. I kind of went blind, I was in such a hurry to get in my car and get out of there, before they knew that I knew they'd arrived. And...yeah. I felt a bump. I didn't hear anything. I'm sure somebody must have screamed or shouted, but I didn't hear anything. My music volume was turned way up, and it came on when I turned on the car, and I was in such a hurry. I started backing out, pretty fast, and I felt this bump...

God...I need something. Can you...something...

So, yeah. That's everything.

What happens now?

Is my family out there? Shit. Do I have to go out there now? I just don't know what to say to them. What they're going to think... See, that's the thing. I know what they're going to think. You know? No, I'm fine. Please, don't bother. I'm fine. I'm not hysterical. It's just funny. I mean, it's fantastically perfect. Can you imagine what they're going to say? I mean, what are you thinking, now that I've told you? And her parents--Tracy, and Bryan--what everyone's going to think. It's not about whether I did it on purpose or or not. I wish to God it was that black and white. Then you could say, "Yes, I did it," or "No, I didn't." It's the whole thing. Everything I told you goes into it. That I would never have intentionally backed my car over their daughter? Sure. But that I might have wanted to? I don't know. They don't know. They don't know, I don't know. I never would have wanted to kill anybody. But now that I have? Do you think they're going to comfort me when I walk out there? It's just another piece in the puzzle. If I had died, it would be just the same. I'm the ongoing mistake.

No, I'm fine now. Thanks for getting the bag...sorry about... Yeah, I'm really fine. It's kind of weird, I don't know. Maybe it's normal. Just that I don't feel anything. I feel, like, nothing. But in a good way? I don't know. I guess, it just feels so much better, now that I've told you everything.